Definitely an Oat milk babyccino, Age 2.
I had prepared myself that raising a vegan child meant that at some stage I may have to accept that she’d want to experiment with not being Vegan. I was raised a dairy-loving, meat eater, but chose to become vegan at the age of 35 (8 years ago). I made the choice to raise my child vegan, but vowed to honour her right to choose, should she want to, whenever she was old enough (and informed enough) to do so.
What I hadn’t prepared for was that when she was 5 years old she would come to me, out of the blue, and say ‘Mummy I want some cow’s milk’!
That is what happened this week.
Not completely out of the blue I guess, we had some cow’s milk in the fridge as we had builders in, so she could see it every time she opened the fridge (I respect each individual’s choice - I won’t cook animals in our house but if someone is visiting and wants to bring their own dairy milk, I will accommodate it).
But she was serious. She actually wanted to try some. I was shocked, this was way earlier than I’d hoped!! I explained that it was the builders’ milk. I reminded her that it’s really the milk for baby cows and not humans, but some humans still choose to drink it. I gently reminded her what happens to the Mummy cow in order for her to keep producing milk. I reminded her how my nipples get a little sore when she has her morning boobies and how sore it must be for the Mummy cows to continually have their nipples pulled and tugged.
She paused.
And then said. ‘I know. But at school everyone gets to have cow’s milk except me’. Cue dagger through my heart - the very thing the vegan Mama doesn’t want to hear, her vegan daughter feels left out! School is new, she’s just started the second half of her first term and actually there are a handful of vegans or dairy free children in her class, so I know she’s not the odd one out. Plus I provide plant milk for her, so she’s always getting milk at milk time, but… it’s different. The school is actually really great with vegan inclusivity and provides vegan meal options everyday. But this is the start of peer influences, isn’t it? Fitting in. Finding your place.
So here I am stuck in between my morals and my values. I don’t agree with drinking cow’s milk AND I respect my child and want her to make her own choices (when it is safe to do so). I told her I needed a minute to think.
My body felt hot and rigid. My brain went to blame - if everyone else was just vegan we wouldn’t be in this predicament! But we’re not all the same, and that's OK - another value I teach her.
So I take a minute, or ten! I breathe, slow and deep, so I can respond from a calm and compassionate place instead of an angry place, which is where I’ve immediately gone to in my body.
‘Have you decided Mummy’? She was pretty certain.
‘OK. I don’t agree with drinking cow’s milk - I believe it’s not good for the animals, it’s not good for your body and it’s not good for our planet. But I also understand that you want to try it. So I’m making it your choice. (I wouldn’t do this with heroin - let’s just keep perspective for a minute. Her safety comes first!). So I want you to take a minute to think about it and if you are really sure you want to try it, I’ll have another think.
Pause.
‘I do want to try it’.
BREATHE Mama…
Take another minute…
‘OK’. Against every fibre of my being I poured my pure little ‘Vegan since conception’ baby (she suddenly seemed so young) the tiniest bit of cow’s milk and handed it over.
Gulp
Pause
‘Yummy’
Oh God! She likes it! Fuck!! Does she actually? Breathe.
‘It’s nice’
‘OK. All done?’ said with a smile. And I take the empty cup away.
I then take myself away upstairs to have a cry on the bed. I feel sad and gutted. I know this is what I had to do, but I wish I hadn’t had to. Not at least until she REALLY gets it. Or maybe she does? I don’t know. I feel proud of myself for giving her the choice, but I feel sad that I’ve even been in this predicament and that her little vegan body now has cow’s milk in it.
My irrational mind spirals for a minute - what if she has an allergic reaction? What if she wants it forevermore now? I’ll have to revoke her right to choose - I’m not giving her cow’s milk all the time (or even on occasion) - this was a one off, an experiment! Then she’ll think I’m picking and choosing, I’m a push over. I don’t stand by my word. Fuck! agggghhhhhhhh!
Then I hear her little footsteps come up the stairs and I wipe away my tears. Normally I highlight the importance of our children knowing that we get sad too and that all emotions are welcome and that adults are not these ‘know it all, got it sorted’, perfect humans - we’re all just learning. But on this occasion I didn’t want her to see my tears. This was my issue. This was my internal tug of war. I didn’t want her to think I was sad or cross at her for drinking, or wanting to drink the cow’s milk (although if I’m truly honest, inside I was disappointed). I smiled and explained I was just taking a minute to understand my feelings. And we went back downstairs.
A moment later she hugged me and cried.
‘Oh darling, why are you sad’?
‘I’m sad because I made you sad by drinking the cow’s milk’
There is no fooling them.
‘It’s OK sweetheart. It’s OK for Mummy to feel sad. It was your choice. I’m just trying to understand all the feelings it’s creating in me. I’m not sad or cross at you. I love you’
‘I love you too Mama’
And then she carried on playing.
I did a little dance/shake release and carried on making lunch.
She hasn’t asked for cow’s milk since.
What I’ve learned/been reminded of:
Parenting is hard!!!
Parenting against the ‘norm’ can feel isolating and frustrating.
My child is likely going to want to try meat one day and that’s going to feel even harder - I might let her Dad handle that one!
Always breathe first.
Always take a minute.
Feel all you feel.
Dance or shake it off
There are so many unexpected things in motherhood that just throw us off when we're not expecting it!
Add more vegan books to the Christmas list 🤣
Are you raising a little vegan?
Tell me your experiences.
Emma x
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