I’m sitting here feeling like a 'bad mum' because I didn't take my 5 year old trick or treating for Halloween last night.
But here's the thing...
I know I’m not a bad Mum (I don’t subscribe to that shaming, we’re all doing our best). I was parenting in my truth and making decisions based on where I’m at right now. So this is what’s been going on in my mind…
Reasons we didn't go:
1. She's only just at an age where she knows what it is and the idea has come from peers or TV.
2. We moved to a new house in a new area 11 months ago so it's not something I have experienced on/around our road yet.
3. We're vegan and Indie doesn't have a lot of sugar (she had vegan marshmallows round the campfire for the first time during half term last week, and loved them). I buy her vegan ice cream when we're out and about, and vegan cakes in coffee shops, but at home she eats (and loves) 100% dark chocolate in dates, refined-sugar free home bakes and real-fruit ice lollies. I'm not really strict on it (I was for the first couple of years but now that she’s 5 and around other kids all the time, I’ve made some compromises), but I'm conscious about her intake. So if she went to houses that gave her non-vegan sugary sweets it would be hard and unfair to say she can't eat them!
4. I don't like the commercialisation and consumerism that Halloween is. I'd much prefer to have a family ceremony around a fire (we don't have one but I'm hoping to make this a new Samhain (Celtic new year - original Halloween) tradition. It's more my vibe. More connected with Nature, the Earth and the wise women who came before us.
Reasons I feel guilty about it:
1. I don't like saying she can't do things other kids do, even though I don't like conforming to social norms/expectations, just because they've become, well, the norm! I prefer to listen to my intuition.
2. If I 'deprive' her of sugary sweets now she'll just go the other way when she's older or do it behind my back (even though I don't deprive her, and actually, so far, when she does have something really sweet she often can't finish it).
3. I don't want her to feel like she's the odd one out.
4. I feel like she’s missed out on the fun!
So here's what I did yesterday:
I bought her a halloween costume sticker book and some vegan chocolate lollipops, which contain sugar. There's 3 in a pack. She ate one on the way home and said she wanted another after dinner. (When it came to it she was too full so only had 1 anyway).
I explained that I now understand that she's interested in trick or treating and that I wasn't quite prepared this year so I will make sure that next year, we will go to vegan friends houses so we know she can eat the sweets. I may even give some to our neighbours before hand to give to her. (And find out where all the Vegans live in our area ).
She got upset when someone actually knocked on our door trick or treating and we didn't have anything to give them. After they left empty handed she said she wanted to give them her vegan chocolate lollipops. So I realised that for her, part of the fun is also the giving. So next year I'll buy a multipack of vegan/low sugar sweets in advance to give out to others (it's up to them if they enjoy eating them or not but I'm not giving stuff to others that I wouldn't give to my own daughter).
I'm sharing this to encourage you to stick to your guns. To do what's right for your family. To question your beliefs and morals and notice if there is a reason you are resistant to something and then assess whether you can soften a little on this occasion or whether it is absolutely non-negotiable - all OK, all your terms.
We have so many choices to make on our children's behalf every single day. It's a balancing act. Sometimes my 'alternative' ways lead to more stress so when it starts to feel too much, that's when I pause and question, how much of this is me trying to undo my own experience/pain/struggles as a child (or adult) and how much of this is 100% my morals and values now - conscious, informed choices I am making for the wellbeing of my child.
Power to you Mama making the tough choices and just trying to raise your child the best you can. As always, motherhood is our biggest teacher.
Let me know how you navigate this time of year.
Sending you love,
Emma x
UPDATE: 1 year on…
Yesterday was Halloween (or Samhain as I now like to call it - see this blog post for more on that). It’s a year on from when I wrote this originally blog post and my daughter is now 6, and very much aware of Trick or Treat, so I wanted to share how we dealt with that this year.
She’s been talking about Trick or Treating since the summer! An episode of Blippi cemented her excitement. I still feel the same about it -commercial, gimmicky, consumerism - but this year we had our first Samhain ceremony (manifested from my vision in the original post), and so in order that she didn’t miss out on something she was really excited about I decided to give it a go.
I bought a handful of vegan/sugar free sweets, and some vegan chocolates and secretly deposited them with our immediate neighbours - to our left and right. She then got dressed up in her Witches costume that she’d made herself at Yoga Club this half term and we went off ‘trick or treating’. We only did the 2 houses but she was amazed that she got 2 treats from each house! One of our neighbours had actually bought her some vegan biscuits too! She didn’t need any more houses - that was exciting enough.
So we toddled back home with her little basket of goodies.
She ate half before our ceremony and dinner, and then the rest after dinner.
Her itch has been scratched.
She knows it was a one off.
Is it more sugar than I’d usually want her to have? Yes.
But like all things, it’s about balance, and this felt like exactly the right thing to do. Depriving her definitely didn’t feel right. And keeping her refined sugar intake low over the past 6 years (well almost zero until she started school!) has meant she has a really good sense of when she’s had enough.
So let’s see what next year brings! I think a lot depends on the type of street you live in. If we were in a little cul-de-sac full of other families, it might prove harder - but equally, if that was the case, I’d do exactly the same and just make sure they had some suitable options. And if she OD’s on sugar for one day, her body will tell her to ease off until next time!!
Oh - and because we were holding our own little ceremony, I didn’t have any ‘treats’ for the many kids who did surprisingly knock on our door, but I think as I embark on a Samhain Gathering as a new tradition, next year I’ll just leave some sugar free/vegan sweets outside with a note on the door saying ‘private party, please help yourself, but leave some for others’.
Or maybe next year, she’ll want to offer the treats out - who knows, we’ll have to wait and see!
Tell me, how did it go for you?
Emma x
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